What shall we say after this? Shall we agree with Sophia, that the women are
fit for Government and public offices? Or shall we not rather conclude them
absolutely unqualified for them; and that the ancients were undoubtedly right in
saying that woman are no more to be trusted than their wombs - these not being
more liable to miscarry of their fruits than they of the trusts we deposit in them?
If England has been so wise to admit these evils to reign over us when
necessary to avoid greater evils, is that any proof that they are qualified for it?
No 'twas not their capacity, but our prudence placed them on the throne, to
remove occasions of bloodshed and other ill effects of civil dissension. And
though it must be confessed that during the reign of some of our women, this
nation has been in its most flourishing condition; yet whether ought it to be
attributed to, the capacity of the soft cyphers placed over us, or the wisdom of
the ministry which made them of some account.
Mere adjectives of Nature, what use could they have been of but for the
substantial support of their counsel and parliament? Into which none, not even
themselves ever thought it worth while to introduce a woman.
However, I am apt to think that the pretty fawning faces of these fair creatures
would go a great way towards wheedling us into the folly of admitting them to a
share in public offices, if we could discern in them the least talent for governing
their own families. Whereas without much study we need but step into the next
house we can think of, where the gray mare is the better horse, to find a
Babylon of anarchy and confusion.
Belluina's is the first in my mind, let us pay her a visit then. To do her justice,
nothing can be more decent than her apartments, her whole house from the
cellars to the stairs, from the kitchen to the closet are so many varied scenes of
finished neatness; not the meanest piece of furniture owes its situation to the
hand of chance; every table has its proper post; every picture its fellow; there's
not a chair a hair's breadth from its place; not a carpet but what is
mathematically spread; nay, woe to Mrs. Betty if the very china is not as
regularly disposed as the features in her Ladyship's face.
From such an orderly economy in trifles who would not expect to find a little
Commonwealth, where peace and decorum have taken up their residence? But a
moment's patience, and the all-divulging tea- table will set you right.
An insufferable troop of illtrained brats are called in to expose their want of
manners, and put yours on the trial. Pretty Miss must throw your hat about,
Master Jacky must put his fingers in your eyes, Charlie in you dish; and Tommy,
her favorite for never doing what his father bids him, should offer to wipe his
greasy fingers on your coat, you must suffer him to do so, or be as much in her
disgrace as John, who had his head broke but an hour ago, just where you see
the plaster, for hastily setting Veny upon the bare ground to save my Lord from
falling downstairs.
Happily for John he is in her Ladyship's good graces, or he had fared no better
than Fanny the housemaid, who had warning given her, for letting a tea-cup fall to
hinder the house from taking fire. But this lucky fellow, who is too much used
to his Lady to be often guilty of such mistakes, has absolutely rooted himself
into his post by once leaving a butt of wine to run about the cellar rather than let
the parrot call him twice.
So despotic is Belluina in her family! Her children, sure never to be corrected but
when they behave well, are incessantly rude and unruly; and her servants, never
sure that her Ladyship will think what they do right, are always doing wrong, with
as sedate a confusion as the workmen of Babel. If you call for a teaspoon a
saucer is brought you; and if you have a mind for sugar you must call for the milk-
pot. But it's time to leave this orderly Lady, Miss's cap you see is the tenth part of
an inch awry; the lightning in her mother's looks are portentous of a storm, and
once it breaks out the house will be too hot for every one in it.
Her Ladyship can bear anything but disorder in trifles; but that like a true woman
she is so averse to, that she'll rather throw herself, her family and even her
country into confusion, than suffer the symmetry of a curl or a cap to be broken
with impunity. Whence it appears that all this excellent Lady's qualifications for
Government are owing to her happy want of sense to set others right, and temper
to curb herself when wrong.
Muccabella has a great deal more temper but much less sense than Belluina.
She can with incredible calmness see her house a perpetual dung-hill, for want
of brains to reflect how ill it becomes the fortune she has, and the figure she
affects. She has a number of servants, every one of which is too busy, in
helping their mistress to litter the rooms, ever to be clean themselves.
Neither is it fit they should disgrace their superiors by being less dirty than they
are. About seven months ago, before she was a widow, I went for the first and last
time to breakfast with her and her gouty husband and family. The dirty disorder
of the room I was introduced to offended me less than the rankness of my
company poisoned me. It is true I was forced to stand for some time, every
chair in the place being taken up with some greasy heap; one with foul plates,
another with the Lady's stays, and the rest with miscellaneous muck.
At length however I was helped to a chair and dish of excellent coffee from a silver
teaboard, placed on a large table near my old gouty friend, and jumbled together
with a mangled piece of beef, a woman's dirty night-cap, a comb-brush, an old
stocking, and a urinal. The conversation I was entertained with was a piece
with the persons who held it: 'twas an argument between the Lady and her
husband, who would fain have persuaded her that one clean shift a week could
not prejudice her health.
But with all her meekness she had been put out of temper, if Mamma's own
daughter had not taken up the argument, and insisted that the trouble was
needless when a pair of sleeves would do as well. It must be thought I could not
be fond of staying in such a disorderly Jakes: accordingly I took leave never to
return thither again. My old friend followed my example not long after: he died in
about two months, and was sent to rot in a decent tomb after having lived many
years buried in a disorderly sink of sluttery.
However I have been lately informed that this Lady has put her children in a
terrible fright, by turning cleanly at last. They are under dreadful apprehensions
of her marrying again; and not without some reason. For she has washed her
hands and face twice since my friend's death, has the dining room swept once a
week, and has shifted her no less than three times in one fortnight.
Whatever might be said of Muccabella the wife, it cannot be disowned that the
widow discovers a tolerable disposition for Government, and public offices. For if
outward cleanliness is any proof of inward neatness, and if an orderly outside is an
indication of no confusion within, why may not she be at least advanced to the
dignity of Mistress of Ceremonies to the Court?
Priscilla is akin to neither of the former: not finically nice nor carelessly
sluttish. She loves neatness and knows when she sees it, but has been too
genteely bred to be able to give any directions towards it. For the very
economy of her table she is forced to depend upon the discretion of her
servants: and if her housekeeper should desert her, she would be as much
puzzled to order a dinner, as a blind man could be to find out his way without a
guide.
This was a secret to her husband, till an unlucky accident brought him
acquainted with it. One day when he was without a housekeeper he came home
and desired his wife to add another dish to the table, because he should bring an
accquaintance or two home with him. She did as he ordered her; and the
gentlemen when they sat down had the solid satisfaction of two legs of mutton
and turnips to feed on at the first course.
A Lady so versed in domestic economy must needs be wondrous fit for public
Government: must she not?
In justice to that sex I must not put an end to this subject without taking notice
of Prudentia. She is one of your notable women, a tip-top housewife I assure
you. There's not a secret in domestic management unknown to her. She can
metamorphose a leg of mutton to a haunch of venison, make the Lark
transmigrate to an Ortolan, and transform English hog's flesh into good
Westphalia ham as ever was imported into Great Britain. She is perfectly
acquainted with the mystery of making butter and cheese, jellies, conserves,
sweet meats, cordials, and what not.
Gardening she is quite learned in, and at the needle she is perfect mistress. Nay
she is a good accomptant too. In short, nothing which relates to economy comes
amiss to her. And yet she is not vain of all these accomplishments. For though
she does often plague us with her dissertations upon these subjects, 'tis ever the
commendable view of learning what she knows not, or showing us how much she
does know.
So far is she from being proud that she has stooped to the humble office of
boiling an egg; and, to show how fit she was to govern, she submitted once, in her
husband's life time, to boil him a pig pursuant to his own request. But, such is the
fatality of that poor sex, she has forfeited, since a widow, all her reputation of
wisdom, in the management of her children; though she has but two to manage.
Possessed of a thousand pounds a year at her own disposal, she has withstood
the temptation of a second match to lay up all for them; and has made no better
use of it than to ruin one by excess of extravagance, and the other by extreme
niggardliness.
By giving her daughter a profusion of money and liberty, she has afforded her the
means to gain the title of Mother independent of Wedlock. And to make amends
for that error in the care of her son, has kept him so short of money, that to get rid
of twelve penny dun he has married a fritter- woman.
Strange as this circumstance is, 'tis no less strange than true. Nevertheless
Prudentia cannot be charged with want of love.
All the defect lies in that want of talent for Government, which is so evident in that
tender sex. It can no longer then be doubted that those poor pretty creatures
must make a very sorry figure in Government and public offices, who appear so
universally unqualified for the administration of private economy. But I fear I have
proved this matter too plainly to them, and therefore not to give them the pain of
more ungrateful truths on this head, I shall follow whither Sophia leads me, that is
to consider.
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